Forget Me Not Uncommon

So this morning I woke up with a sore throat. It had been a long, hard night with the baby. Another sleepless night for me. Another restful night for J-Fed whose slumber goes undisturbed by baby #2's cries.

While he was going to the bathroom, I called to him from my death bed.

"Could you please get me some cold medicine?" I pleaded, my voice already hoarse.

"Where is it?" he asked unaffected.

"In the medicine cabinet," I replied painfully.

"Which medicine cabinet?" he said, making no effort to disguise the fact he feels inconvenienced by my request.

"The one in front of you," I told him.

Minutes went by. The toilet flushed. The door slammed. More time passed. Yet no medicine. My throat burned. My head pounded and I searched deep within for the energy to keep my eyes open. Sadly, there was no sign of J-Fed coming to my rescue. Finally, I was empowered by anger. I pushed myself to get up from the bed and look for him. I could have just gotten the medicine for myself at this point, but the very thought of his inconsideration drove me mad. Bastard. On the back porch, I found him smoking a cigarette, sipping on a Frap and listening to the birds chirp without a care in the world.

"Are you kidding me?" I said in disbelief.

"What? Like a few more minutes without cold medicine is going to kill you," he replied matter-of-factly.

"You're unbelievable," I seethed.

Paybacks are hell, I told myself already thinking of ways to get even with him. I returned to the bathroom to find relief in the form of two cold tablets. It would take away the physical pain, but there was little chance it was going to ease my mental pain.

"Ok, so I forgot," he admitted a few minutes later. "Are you going to punish me for that?"

Truth be told, I can't blame him for his faulty memory. After all, if I didn't have a sign posted in the bathroom reminding our 5-year-old to wipe her bottom, he'd probably forget to wipe his. P stands for pathetic.

Unhappily ever after,

Kiki

Blinded By The Light

It had been two months, one day, twelve hours and thirty six minutes since my second daughter came into this world. Since that time, I had been apart from her approximately one hour. So I decided today it would be J-Fed's turn to play Mr. Mom. Little did I know my evening trip to the mall would prove to be an awakening of sorts for dear hubby.

You see, baby #2 names have been changed to protect the innocent has been known to cry for 12 hours straight. Coincidentally, J-Fed has never been around for one of these nail-biting episodes. When he's around, she sleeps like a baby. Just the another night, after spending two straight days at the track and then attending a party, I had to summon his home because baby #2 was inconsolable.

When he walked in the house, her crying immediately ceased much to my dismay. J-Fed didn't make a comment, but I knew what he was thinking. He returned to the party and once again her wailing began. I called for his return a second time and once again the crying stopped. In fact, she smiled and began cooing for the first time in her infant life. Was she deliberately trying to sabotage me?

Needless to say, J-Fed didn't "get" how challenging baby #2 could be at times... until last night. It wasn't longer than 10 minutes after I left for my shopping excursion that she started to "fuss" scream her bleeping head off and that continued on for two straight hours. Poor J-Fed. When I called to check on him, it sounded as if he was going to throw himself in front of a train. Would that have really been so bad?

"Are you going to be home soon?" he said through clenched teeth.

"Yes, in just 20 minutes. What would you like for dinner?" I asked politely.

"I can't even think of food," he whimpered. If Mr. "what's for dinner" couldn't eat, Baby #2 had for sure brought him to his knees.

I hung up the cell phone with what could only be described as a feeling of sheer satisfaction. Finally, he had seen the light. Finally, he knew the toll that hours of crying could take on a person.

When I got home, he flailed his arms at me in a sign of worship.

"I was only gone two hours," I exclaimed.

"Well, it felt like six," he sighed painfully. And with that, he was out the door to go find some solace and silence at the neighbor's house.

In a day J-Fed will have all but forgotten the agony. But for that one brief moment in time, he actually got a taste of what my reality.

Unhappily ever after,

Kiki

Guilty Pleasures...

I have a friend who enjoys surfing the net. Once upon a time, as in last week, she accidentally hit the history button and noticed her boyfriend had been doing some surfing of his own. At first, she was flattered to discover he was researching the art of giving your girlfriend an orgasm. But upon further perusal, she got another suprise realizing he was also studying the practice of turning your girlfriend bi-sexual. Priceless.

'Tis The Season...

Talk about ending the year with a bang. Divorce is the new black. Yes, it seems everyone is doing it. Here's a recap of the biggest busts this season.

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe
Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro
Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler
Brit and K-Fed
The Hass & Wife Pamela Bach
Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock
Heather Mills & Paul McCartney
My cleaning lady & her husband

And the beat goes on and on and on...

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Sigh. For the first time, a same sex couple has filed for divorce. The two women damn them have asked for a Rhode Island court to dissolve their two-year marriage. Girls, you're not doing us any favors in making a case that men are the root of our marital problems.

You should’ve learned the first time…

In Kentucky, it is illegal to marry the same man more than three times. Really, is the plea insanity and the sentence life?

Not Tonight Honey, I’m Allergic to You…

Believe it or not, your significant other really can make you sick… literally. New research presented at the annual conference of the American College of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology in Philadelphia reveals that women can be allergic to their men. The cause? Semen. Proteins accompanying sperm can trigger an allergic response in some women. Just another excuse to get you out of sex!

We know which comes first…

In a survey of 30 local Shanghai women entrepreneurs, a quarter had experienced divorce and 80 percent of those had occurred after they had achieved success in business.