Why Buy The Cow...

Survey says: A recent study revealed that 95% of all Americans engaged in premarital sex. You know if you're gonna get the milk for free, do you really need to sell your soul?

Older & Wiser?

A recent study showed that more and more people in their 50s are filing for divorce. Research by Statistics Canada revealed that the divorce rate among the 50-54 age bracket spiked 34 percent while the rate among the 55-59 age bracket peaked at 47.8 percent.

Edmonton psychologist Al Riediger says: “Quite often people stay together for the kids. When the kids are grown and on their way, Mom and Dad look across the table at each other and say: ‘Why are we here?’"

Before couples opt to take the leap toward ending their marriage, Riediger suggests giving it one last ditch effort.

“It may be they just need to do a re-inventory . . . take some time to get to know each other again,” he said.

It's A Dog Eat Dog World

It's bad enough that I decided to have two children with J-Fed. Did I have to make matters worse by having two dogs with him?

Unlike children, dogs don't possess the ability to whine or cry for food and water when they're hungry and thirsty. Our two canines simply kick their water bowl and food dishes around the kitchen until someone stops what they're doing and addresses their silent pleas. Said person is usually myself, my mother or our neighbor. Even our 5-year-old daughter is in touch with the fact that the dogs need to eat and drink on a daily basis.

But not J-Fed.

The sad reality is that if they were in his sole custody, they'd likely wither up and die like the chia-pet J-Fed attempted to raise when we first started dating.

After years of watching him stick his head in the sand like an ostrich, I finally took the liberty of calling him on his pet ownership skills, or lack thereof.

"When you look at the empty dog dishes and water bowl, does it ever occur to you to feed and water the dogs?" I asked him.

"No, I just figure you'll take care of it," he said matter-of-factly.

"And what in God's name would make you think that?" I asked increduously.

"It's just the way I'm programmed," he responded.

"I see. Well, perhaps you need to be reprogrammed before I have a divorce lawyer do it for you," I sneered.

"Don't make promises you can't keep," J-Fed laughed as he climbed in his truck, lit a cigarette and took a giant gulp of a Frap.

As he pulled away, I silently prayed that J-Fed would be reincarnated as a dog in his next life, the kind that belonged to a man just like himself.

Unhappily Ever After,

Kiki

The Number You Have Reached Has Been Disconnected... From Reality

It was December 1st. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe that it was January 1st and J-Fed would get knocked in the noggin with a chestnut and resolve to become a loving, equal partner overnight. But twas not to be...

In the spirit of the holiday season, I've called a truce with my hated hubby. It had been a whole 48 hours that we'd been playing nice. So what if he'd been absent for about 47 of those hours? I really thought we were making progress. Until the call...

It was another morning in the home of Mr. and Mrs. J-Fed. I dressed our 5-year-old, fed the baby, gave the dogs their food, cleaned the kitchen, started a load of laundry, took out the trash and started drafting up a policy for world peace kidding on the last one. J-Fed meanwhile rolled out of bed, smoked a cigarette, sipped on a Frap and did zilch. Nada. Nunca. Nuttin.

I bid him adieu as he left work and breathed a sigh of relief once I was again without his company. Then came the call. He had been gone all of five minutes. What in God's name could he possibly want?

It's hard to explain the feeling that washes over me when I see his number displayed on caller ID, but I'll try. I'd imagine it's much like the feeling that prisoners of war get before they have their toenails ripped out by a rusty pair of pliers. Ok so it's not that bad, but it's got to be close.

Anyways, the call went something like this...

"I talked to my sister last night. She really wants us to come up and visit her," he said sweetly. "I was thinking we could go after the holidays, like a family trip."

Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa. Let's just pause for a moment, shall we? Over the last year and a half, I've tried multiple times to get J-Fed to take a family vacation, namely to my parent's second home in the mountains. Multiple times he's pulled some stunt to get out of it while we forged on without him. Last time, I believe he had to "work." Yeah, work on getting drunk at the nearby bar.

Just imagine my shock when he proposed a "family" vacation. On his terms, of course. Inside my hardened heart, I knew there was an ulterior motive behind his newfound desire to travel.

"Is there a track nearby?" I asked curiously, unable to hold my tongue.

"Yeah, I figured you could shop with the kids while I raced," he admitted. Like Mulder and Scully I knew the truth was out there.

Dear J-Fed, you truly are a piece of work. Or a piece of ^&*. If I wanted to shop, I could drive five minutes to the mall and leave the kids with my mother while I indulge in a stress-free spree. If I want to shop, the last thing I'm going to do is pile a whiney 5-year-old and a colicky newborn into a small SUV to have you tailgate every car on the road for eight hours so that you can drive your little racecar while I suffer the unbearable brunt of your selfish whims.

"I don't think so," I replied curtly.

"Fine. I'll just take the kids and go by myself," he snapped back. LAUGH OUT LOUD. REALLY LOUD. Surrrrrreeeeeeeeeee. J-Fed. Two kids. Eight hours in the car. I knew damn well he wouldn't even make it out of our subdivision, if he even made it out of the driveway.

"Whatever, J," I said icily before hanging up on his sorry self.

The one thing I can say is that J-Fed is nothing if not consistent. And for that I'm grateful as I always know exactly what to expect. He never lets me down.

Unhappily ever after,

Kiki

Another Day, Another Divorce

It's a done deal for some of Hollywood's hottest couples. Although it seems like yesterday's news, divorces don't happen overnight. These splits have officially been finalized by the court system.

These dynamic duos can finally have some closure. We should all be so lucky...

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards
Selma Blair and Ahmet Zappa
Christian Slater and Ryan Haddon
Rod Stewart and Rachel Hunter

Congratulations boys and girls! You're no longer bound by the ball and chain...

Forget Me Not Uncommon

So this morning I woke up with a sore throat. It had been a long, hard night with the baby. Another sleepless night for me. Another restful night for J-Fed whose slumber goes undisturbed by baby #2's cries.

While he was going to the bathroom, I called to him from my death bed.

"Could you please get me some cold medicine?" I pleaded, my voice already hoarse.

"Where is it?" he asked unaffected.

"In the medicine cabinet," I replied painfully.

"Which medicine cabinet?" he said, making no effort to disguise the fact he feels inconvenienced by my request.

"The one in front of you," I told him.

Minutes went by. The toilet flushed. The door slammed. More time passed. Yet no medicine. My throat burned. My head pounded and I searched deep within for the energy to keep my eyes open. Sadly, there was no sign of J-Fed coming to my rescue. Finally, I was empowered by anger. I pushed myself to get up from the bed and look for him. I could have just gotten the medicine for myself at this point, but the very thought of his inconsideration drove me mad. Bastard. On the back porch, I found him smoking a cigarette, sipping on a Frap and listening to the birds chirp without a care in the world.

"Are you kidding me?" I said in disbelief.

"What? Like a few more minutes without cold medicine is going to kill you," he replied matter-of-factly.

"You're unbelievable," I seethed.

Paybacks are hell, I told myself already thinking of ways to get even with him. I returned to the bathroom to find relief in the form of two cold tablets. It would take away the physical pain, but there was little chance it was going to ease my mental pain.

"Ok, so I forgot," he admitted a few minutes later. "Are you going to punish me for that?"

Truth be told, I can't blame him for his faulty memory. After all, if I didn't have a sign posted in the bathroom reminding our 5-year-old to wipe her bottom, he'd probably forget to wipe his. P stands for pathetic.

Unhappily ever after,

Kiki

Blinded By The Light

It had been two months, one day, twelve hours and thirty six minutes since my second daughter came into this world. Since that time, I had been apart from her approximately one hour. So I decided today it would be J-Fed's turn to play Mr. Mom. Little did I know my evening trip to the mall would prove to be an awakening of sorts for dear hubby.

You see, baby #2 names have been changed to protect the innocent has been known to cry for 12 hours straight. Coincidentally, J-Fed has never been around for one of these nail-biting episodes. When he's around, she sleeps like a baby. Just the another night, after spending two straight days at the track and then attending a party, I had to summon his home because baby #2 was inconsolable.

When he walked in the house, her crying immediately ceased much to my dismay. J-Fed didn't make a comment, but I knew what he was thinking. He returned to the party and once again her wailing began. I called for his return a second time and once again the crying stopped. In fact, she smiled and began cooing for the first time in her infant life. Was she deliberately trying to sabotage me?

Needless to say, J-Fed didn't "get" how challenging baby #2 could be at times... until last night. It wasn't longer than 10 minutes after I left for my shopping excursion that she started to "fuss" scream her bleeping head off and that continued on for two straight hours. Poor J-Fed. When I called to check on him, it sounded as if he was going to throw himself in front of a train. Would that have really been so bad?

"Are you going to be home soon?" he said through clenched teeth.

"Yes, in just 20 minutes. What would you like for dinner?" I asked politely.

"I can't even think of food," he whimpered. If Mr. "what's for dinner" couldn't eat, Baby #2 had for sure brought him to his knees.

I hung up the cell phone with what could only be described as a feeling of sheer satisfaction. Finally, he had seen the light. Finally, he knew the toll that hours of crying could take on a person.

When I got home, he flailed his arms at me in a sign of worship.

"I was only gone two hours," I exclaimed.

"Well, it felt like six," he sighed painfully. And with that, he was out the door to go find some solace and silence at the neighbor's house.

In a day J-Fed will have all but forgotten the agony. But for that one brief moment in time, he actually got a taste of what my reality.

Unhappily ever after,

Kiki

Guilty Pleasures...

I have a friend who enjoys surfing the net. Once upon a time, as in last week, she accidentally hit the history button and noticed her boyfriend had been doing some surfing of his own. At first, she was flattered to discover he was researching the art of giving your girlfriend an orgasm. But upon further perusal, she got another suprise realizing he was also studying the practice of turning your girlfriend bi-sexual. Priceless.

'Tis The Season...

Talk about ending the year with a bang. Divorce is the new black. Yes, it seems everyone is doing it. Here's a recap of the biggest busts this season.

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe
Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro
Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler
Brit and K-Fed
The Hass & Wife Pamela Bach
Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock
Heather Mills & Paul McCartney
My cleaning lady & her husband

And the beat goes on and on and on...

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Sigh. For the first time, a same sex couple has filed for divorce. The two women damn them have asked for a Rhode Island court to dissolve their two-year marriage. Girls, you're not doing us any favors in making a case that men are the root of our marital problems.

You should’ve learned the first time…

In Kentucky, it is illegal to marry the same man more than three times. Really, is the plea insanity and the sentence life?

Not Tonight Honey, I’m Allergic to You…

Believe it or not, your significant other really can make you sick… literally. New research presented at the annual conference of the American College of Allergy, Asthma and Immunology in Philadelphia reveals that women can be allergic to their men. The cause? Semen. Proteins accompanying sperm can trigger an allergic response in some women. Just another excuse to get you out of sex!

We know which comes first…

In a survey of 30 local Shanghai women entrepreneurs, a quarter had experienced divorce and 80 percent of those had occurred after they had achieved success in business.